Day 1


The Hebbos have arrived in Lanzarote! And as Lobo is currently curled up in a cute little ballon the sofa catching up on some much needed kip, I thought what better point tobegin my holiday diary…

How did we get here?Well it all stared at the un-Godly hour of 3.45am.


I was cosily tucked upin the VERY comfy spare bed at Chez Hebbo’s when a very timid dad came and awokeme with the rhetorical question, “hello Ali, is it time to get up?’

After grunting andnearly falling back to sleep a good few times I finally managed to drag myselfout of bed and throw on some clothes. I then scared Lauren when I unknowinglywalked in on her in the bathroom before jumping into my mum’s bed to saygoodbye.  A quick hug later it wasto go and as the Hebbo mobile set sail for Gatwick, Dad played the obligatoryholiday starting record “holiday” by Cliff Richard.


On our travels wediscussed many a topic, including: the miserable weather, the ghost walk Dadhad been on the night before, the awards I had been to the night before and thevarious films and TV programs we had all enjoyed that week. Before we knew it,we were at Gatwick airport. And after taking us to our check in point, Dad gaveus a hug and warning to be safe before leaving us alone… here despite being inthe ‘speedy’ check in queue we then faced a VERY long wait.


Whilst waiting in ourweird spaced out only three hours sleep state, we saw your typical random bunchof airport travellers. There was the cute old man wearing a jumper with a kittedski scene (I really hope this was because he was actually going on a skiholiday), a Bruno Mars lookalike and an exceptionally tall man – I’d say he was6,5 but Lauren thinks more like 7, either way he was TALL!


When we finally got tocheck in we discovered Lauren’s suit case weighed a feathery 15kg, while minewas a hefty 20.2kg – luckily the weight restrictions went on a joint level forthe both of us so I didn’t have to pay any extra – few! After all the queuingdrama it was getting extremely close to the time of our gate closing –eeps!Thankfully security didn’t take too long (even with me forgetting I had a bigbottle of contraband orange juice in my bag – whoops!)


Orange juicesuccessfully disposed we then scurried along to our gate. However, on arrivalwe discovered there were no loos and no food. Both hungry and in need of a weethis wasn’t a good combo for Lauren and I so we made a quick dash back out ofour gate to the nearest Boots and Prêt a Manger. After a very quick  toilet stop we then dashed back to ourgate where we  had literally momentsbefore boarding the plane.


Safely belted in ourseats Lanzarote was in touching distance – or so we thought… This is because unfortunatelydespite it being the 23 March (two days OFFICIALLY into spring) the weather haddecided to randomly snow. Snow so much in fact that the plane needed de-icing!Sadly this wasn’t like when my car needs de-icing, which can either be resolvedwith a few squirts of some nifty Xmas gift de-icer …or even easier when youlived at home and your dad would have done it before you even left the door! Node-icing a plane took much longer, resulting in us missing our air slot causingeven more delays. I can’t complain too much however as to be fair I did sleep through most of this, again a result of previous night of three hours sleep.


When the crew had eventually completed de-icing the plane we finally set sail (or flight rather) for Lanzarote. The first coupleof hours flew by (pun intended) as we caught up with some much needed sleep(did I mention we’d only had three hours the night before?)  Awake and slightly less spaced out Laurenand I then munched on some breakfast. Lauren then broke out her collection of Take a breaks, Full House and Love It magazines.


Here I enjoyed reading stories about a girl that ‘blinged’ her tag, a lady who lost weight so shecould fit in some new knee high boots from Asda and a mum and sister who weremore like sisters – as you can see they weren’t the greatest of stories… I thenhad another sleep, but this time it was slightly disturbed thanks to the childcalled ‘Dobby’ sat in front of me who felt the need to scream, gurgle, laughand generally squawk throughout the entire journey only to fall asleep as soonas the plane landed – typical!


Arriving at Lanzarote,Lauren and I went through the strict security, involving a tiny moustached manglancing at our passports and grunting. Next stop was the ever scary luggage carousal. To our joy and reliefboth our suitcases popped through un-skaved- phew! The next scary stop on ourjourney was the transfer trip to the hotel. With each stop we nervously awaiteda hotel but ( yes you’ve guessed it to our joy and relief) we arrived at ourhotel, which did look like the pictures on the website – again phew!

After a  friendly welcome from the receptionistand room inspection, we headed to the local supermarket to get some supplies.In traditional tourist fashion we were left completely confused by the moneyand didn’t really know what we were buying or how much we were spending. Some howwe did manage to get some lunch  and back at the hotel we then got re-fuled before Lauren setup the WIFI and TV whilst I ,less usefully, started getting addicted to Pick MeUp’s puzzle pages. Lauren is now prettying herself up so I think I better dothe same for risk of scaring the locals. Adios xx


Day two


Hola! So we survived our first night in Lanzarote and here is what happened… After our lastencounter I did like I said some much needed beautifying before Lauren and Ihit the town. As expected we took a much longer route to the strip thanks toour still tired  three hour sleepstate. Thankfully, even with this detour it wasn’t long before we werepresented with a delightful array of eateries, including- Chinese, Mexican andmany a grill. Wanting something simple we decided to go with Universo Grill.Here, I enjoyed a very large half roast chicken with lots of gravy, whileLauren went for some simple bread crumbed chicken. Eating our dinner, we took pleasure in watching people stroll along the promenade, identifying which celebrities we thought they most looked like.


After dinner andanother quick walk along the strip we were back at our hotel where we startedto watch the Time Traveller’s Wife. But as our eyelids felt increasingly heavywe decided to call it a night and hit the hay half way through. Tucked up inbed we both completely zonked out and had an almost undisturbed sleep- I sayalmost as poor Lauren was subjected a few of my coughing fits which awoke bothof us.


At 9.30am we were bothawoken by some bright Lanzarote sunshine and I went for my first holiday run,whilst Lauren tested out the shower. Returning from my run, I too made use ofthe washing facilities before we hit the beach. lapping up the sunshine we weretreated to some gorgeous beauties- my highlight was the terracotta shadedeighty-year old man wearing nothing but a purple g string – yum! Lauren thenhad a nap whilst I began to read my book Killer Heals which was good albeit abit like a cheap Devil wears Prada.


Unable to sit still for longer than five minutes I then suggested we go for walk to the shops thatfeatured varying tourist treasures. Resisting the souvenirs we left the shopswith nothing but a fresh Take a Break magazine. We then strolled back to our hotel,which is where we now are. Lauren is munching on some lunch and I think I might join her before we explore the pool. Toodles xxx


Day three


So it’s 0 degrees a Monday and back to work…oh no wait that is what I’d be writing if I was inEngland but thankfully I’m still in Lanzarote, where it’s 24 degrees, it’ssunny and I’m currently lying on a beach J

So what’s happed sincewe last spoke? Well after writing in you, Lauren and I moseyed down to the pool,where I munched on some lunch whilst reading the hotel’s fine selection ofmagazines. These were most enjoyable featuring stories about a ruckus Loose Women party, Judy Finnegan’s suspicious shakes and Victoria Beckham’s recent‘shattered’ appearance at LFW.


At the pool Lauren went for a dip. I decided not to join her – a decision I was pleased about aswhen she emerged from the water she said it was bloody freezing. A rather loud northernman then entered the pool area and felt the need to spend the next ten minutesgoing up to EVERYONE around the pool and telling them “I’m going in are yougoing in you should be going in etc etc” until FINALLY he actually went in,complained it was too cold and left. I think the Buddha looking man sitting(with his legs crossed of course) next to us at the pool was equally annoyed bythe northern man’s escapades as after the northern man left he mumbledsomething to me that I couldn’t quite decipher, but I think it was somethingalong the lines of “is that annoying guy with you?”


Northern man gone andmagazines read, we returned to our balcony where I gobbled a large Lanzaroteapple as Lauren treated me to a pedicure. Lauren then did her own nails as Iread some more of my book (which I’m still not that sure of btw) before we beganthe evening prettifying process. Tonight this involved tackling my sandy greasymop like hair – I’m so not beach beauty compatible!  Thankfully GHDs did their magic and we hit the town.


First stop was a cocktailbar, where Lauren ordered Sex on the Beach. To her disappointed she was simplypresented with a drink :p We then enjoyed some happening tunes before trundlingoff down the promenade for some dinner. We settled on a restaurant called The Royalas after walking past it on the two previous occasions Lauren has made the samejoke that it must be good because that’s where the royals eat – she is such a wag.Although not royal standard. the food was very tasty and both Lauren and Icommented on the impressive seasoning.


Dinner demolished we swayed back home to watch the Sunday instalment of TOWIE which we were able to viewthanks to the hotel having ITV2 plus 1 – God we are sad. Essexed out wecollapsed in bed for another almost undisturbed nights sleep – this time itonly almost as while my cough may have thankfully stopped Lauren did still wakeup in the middle of the night tscreaming “ali” “what?” I worridly responsed“i dreamt an albatross flew through window” she replied. This statement notonly confused me because of the action but also because of lauren’s precisebird identification. I replied with a grunt and went back to sleep.

In the morning I rose foranother run before returning to get ready for the beach with Lauren.  I’m going to give my book another go nowso byesy bye xxx


Day four


Cocktails, creepywaiters and camel safaris… These are just a few of the things that havehappened since my last ramblings. But forgive me, I’m getting ahead of myself.Before I tell you about all that mischief, I’ll get back to where I left off atthe beach. After writing in you I began to read my book, but before long Laurenhad enough of the sun so I suggested a paddle – which was most pleasant and refreshing by the way.Especially after walking on the sand that literally burnt your tootsies withevery tread.

Following the paddlewe had another mosey around the shops before returning to our hotel room for asun cream pit stop. We then set our sights on the pool where Lauren braved the wateragain ,while I made my way through some more of the hotel magazines – today’s offeringsincluded stories about Kim Kardashian’s baby bump, Jenny Frost’s twins andwhether women need to work like men to get a career…. At the pool we werejoined again by loud northern guy, although today he wasn’t living up to hisname and was actually quite quiet. I think it was because he was in a bit of asulk about going home as he had his suitcase with him and a v sad face.


All sunned out we returned to our roomto get ready for the eve whilst watching an episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Lauren assured me  TheReal Housewives of the OC was better but I really couldn’t judge. Prettied up,we headed back to our cocktail bar where we both guzzled down two EXTREMELY strong cocktails – definitely Natalie measures! Feeling slightly sozzled wedecided to go back to The Royal for dinner. Here, we enjoyed another tastymeal, however unfortunately despite this we won’t be returning…This is becauseat the end of our meal our waiter began to engage in a bit of lightconversation which then some how led to him inviting Lauren and I out for adrink. And while I just thought this was funny Lauren felt like we were in ascene from Taken and got quite anxious.


Petrified Lauren intow, I decided we should probably call it a night and go back to our room. Herewe enjoyed a quick ep of Kitchen Nightmares before… yep you’ve guessed it wewent to bed – we’re so wild!  Againthe night was only almost undisturbed. This time it wasn’t my coughing at faultor Lauren’s night terrors but some rather loud furniture moving from downstairs– I really don’t know what was going on but needless to say it woke me up!


In the morning I wentfor another run before returning home to watch a rather amusing episode of Fraiserinvolving a skull and a false murder accusation…Fraiser over we went down tothe pool to have some breakfast before hitting the promenade to set off forwhat we hoped was a camel safari.  Disappointingly,however despite arriving at the bus stop bright and early as the tour directorhad instructed, when we arrived the safari was fully booked – wah! On a camelsafari low we decided to walk down the promenade to see if there were any otherexcursions we could book. On our travels we came across a few but they were eithertoo long, or we were too late, until we finally came across one which soundedquite tempting. It was sold by a very enthusiastic lady who told us all aboutthe markets, Rancho Park and of course camels! We ended up just booking amarket trip for tomorrow in the end, but if that all goes to plan we will bookRancho for the next and camels on Friday – our camel dream lived on!

Tired of touristoffices we had a sit down and took some photos before hitting the shops again.Whilst shopping we stumbled upon a perfume one where a snooty sales assistantdidn’t appreciate it when I accidently knocked down their display and came overto ask me if I needed any assistance – I felt like I was in Pretty Woman!  The second stop was the supermarket,where Lauren again accidently set the alarm off with her sun cream – we’rereally making a name for ourselves round here! We’re now back at the hotel and I’mfeeling slightly peckish so I think it is time for a pool side lunch toodle oooxx


Day five


Well it’s day five andwe’re still alive – thankfully. So when we last spoke I was just off to thepool for some munch and that I did whilst reading…yes more lovely hotelmagazines. This time the stories included the new celebrity trend for dating DILFs,Jordan’s morning sickness dramas and the shocking drop in TOWIE’s ratings – isthis getting boring yet? After lunch Lauren suggested a swim and I actually forthe first time I actually agreed. And while it was absolutely FREEZING it was alsoquite refreshing. Plunge over I headed back to the room for a shower whilstLauren watched another drama filled ep of the Real Housewives of Atlanta.


During my shower I hada sudden urge for curly hair – as you do. So when I got out, Lauren being thegood sister she is agreed to put in a fish tail plait for me. Plait complete wecontinued with other prettifying processes before hitting the town. As previously mentioned we couldn’t return to The Royal due to Lauren’s new foundwaiter nervosa so we ended up an Italian called Pinnocio’s- as recommended bythe cocktail waiter on the previous night. On arrival we soon discovered why hehad recommended it as guess who was serving the tables – none other than saidwaiter man. The meal didn’t disappoint, serving delicious food at bargainprices – there was even some dinner entertainment with a drunken guy sat behindLauren who feel into the wall and had to asked to leave – it caused quite theruckus!

Chowdown we went backto our room for some more light telly watching. Tonight it was the end of 16and counting, Shameless and a bit of Google box – which OMG if you have seenwill know is the most ridiculous prog ever! Seriously a doc about peoplewatching telly?  In the morn we gotbright and early so we could enjoy a couple of eps of Fraiser before heading tothe market. I decided to go for a run – partly for a rest and partly because Ididn’t want to miss Fraiser! Today’s ep featured the cast of Cheers which wasmost chuckle worthy.


To our delight there was NO drama with getting the bus to the market. It arrived right on time andthe driver greeted me by saying I was beautiful – I new instantly he wastrustworthy. On our bus journey we managed to see a bit of one of the camelsafaris I told you about. However when I saw all the lil camels chained up Iwas reminded of the slave scene in Les Mis and have now decided I don’t want acamel ride any more – Lauren wasn’t fussed either.


Arriving at the marketwe had a little mosey around but were a bit disappointed with it given the lackof fake designer bags you usually see at those markets. We then went to theshops and these didn’t really float our boat either, filled with over priced tatthey weren’t really our sort of thing. After the shops we decided to spend ourmoney on something actually worth buying and treated ourselves to a lunch out.This was most tasty and definitely made the bus trip worthwhile – even if themarket was lame. There was although a teeny bit of drama for some reason on ourbill where they charged us for some bread we hadn’t ordered and it took foreverfor them to take our money. Luckily, we didn’t miss our bus and enjoyed a leisurelytrip home.


Back on our own turfwe had a look around a few shops we hadn’t been to before including a crystalone which was quite relaxing until the sales assistant burped straight in my face– Ew! I’ve never seen Lauren laugh so much. Back at the hotel we went for quickdip in the pool, which is were I am now. Lauren’s having a nap, it’s been along day for her and I’m going to get some more sun cream in a bit as my faceis feeling a bit hot! Adios xx


Day six


Well howdy hey partnerinos,it’s time for the latest instalment of Lauren and Ali’s holiday mishaps. So Ileft off at the pool when I was just about to read some more of my book, whichis actually getting quite good now. So good in fact that I’m near the end andonly have a few more pages to read. Luckily, Lauren’s cleverly brought twobooks so once I have read it I’ll have another one to keep me occupied – few!  Whilst reading Lauren decided she’d hadtoo much sun so she trundled back to the room. Feeling slightly lonely at thepool without my other half I soon followed and watching daily fix of Atlanta’sReal Housewives. Today’s ep showed one of the main characters (Nene) reunitewith her dad. He looked like a toad and was extremely miserable.


Like clockwork as RHOA came to an end, Lauren and I started to get ready for dinner.  Mop detangled and fresh face on, wewere on our way. We seemed to get more mail attention than usual tonight withlots of random guys calling out “guapa chics” Lauren put this down to my brightcoral skinnies while I said it was because of her bright red dress that accentuatedcertain asses if you know what I mean 😉 catwalk complete we settled on Pinochio’sfor another good value meal. The waiter then instantly recognised us and gaveus the best table in the house – just the usual service expected by Hebbos!  The meal was very tasty and yet againwe got a 10% discount!  However,Lauren doesn’t want to return. Partly because when making the desserts ourwaiter accidentally got whipped ream in her hair and partly because Laurendoesn’t like it when we get recognised in a restaurant…. So another eatery isoff our list.

After dinner westrolled home where we were greeted by a v smiley cat. He was ever so cute and purrybut we both decided on not letting him back in the room  for fear or fleas and what nots.

Cat locked out wewatched some vomit inducing One Born Every Minute and an episode of The Mimic.We then tried to watch our Wednesday instalment of TOWIE but we were too sleepy.In the morn I rose sort of early for a run before retuning home for some Fraiserviewing with Lauren. – Seriously we don’t just watch TV BTW!


Fraiser over, I caughtsome sun on the balcony whilst reading my book before we hit the promenade of shops to hunt out souvenirs. Today however we were most wild and went left insteadof right down the street to find the best shops. Unfortunately this didn’t provemost successful as every shop literally was filled with the same tat as theother with stock including wooden willies, Lanzarote tea towels and I swearworn jewellery.


When I finally managed to drag Lauren away from the wooden willy selection we found a cute spot to sitfor some people watching and general chit chat. World put to right we made astop at the spa before going back to the hotel room. I think I fancy some poolaction now to finally finish off my book and if I’m lucky Lauren might paint mynails – auf vie dersen xxx


Day seven


Wah wah wah it’s thelast WHOLE day of the holiday – how did it come round so fast? So how did weget here? Well when we last spoke I was just about to finish my book and see ifI could get Lauren to paint my nails. You’ll be pleased to hear I completedboth missions successfully .The end of my book was pretty meh but my nailslooked divine as Lauren used the new nail polish I managed to find in the tattyshops. After completing my book I turned my attention to the remaining hotelmagazines. Today’s instalments featured a story about posh spice’s feud withher sister, a bride that sued her husband for jilting her and REALLY boringinterview with Katie homes.


Finishing the hotelmagazines, Lauren and I went back to the room to watch the last in the seriesof RHOA – I know I don’t how I’m going to cope without it either. When I getback to the UK! Prettying came next and before we knew it, it was time to getout for pre dinner cocktails. We decided on a different bar as the drinks werecheaper and even stronger. I knew this because within seconds as I was pissed.So pissed in fact that the waiter told Lauren not to let me have any more drinks.  The other waiter meanwhile was tryingto persuade me to have another – logic?

Feeling very tipsy wethen swayed down to Pinochio’s (I made Lauren realise she was being dumb fornot wanting to go back because they recognised us.)


On our travels we werestopped by an English guy who in my drunk state was convinced was Spanish. Soconvinced in fact that I tried to speak to him in Spanish using my GCSE Spanishvoice.  Needless to say it was avery short conversation. Thankfully by the time we got to Pinochio’s I’d sobered up…sort of. To Lauren’sdelight our usual waiter wasn’t there so she had nothing to worry about.Another tasty bargain meal devoured we wondered back home to relax with anepisode of the Big Reunion. As usual before long we were both ready for bed.


In the morn I went fora run and came back to read some of my new book as Lauren got her daily fix of Fraiser.  Fraiser over we headed down to thepromenade to get the bus to Rancho Texas. To our delight (and surprise) therewas NO bus drama and with a hop, skip and blissful ride we were there!


After having a quicklook at some bambis, piglets and rabbits we stumbled upon The Eagle Show. Notthe biggest fan of birds I should have known this wouldn’t exactly be myfavourite show. I think Lauren enjoyed it despite getting a bit too much sunand resorting to wearing her cardigan as a hat – it was quite a sight I cantell you!


Next it was time forThe Sea Lion show. This was MUCH more impressive although due to the lack of English tourists there was no English translation of what the instructor wassaying – a little annoying.  Wethen found a tipi to chill in before entering Tiger Territory. This was quitecute but I wouldn’t exactly call it territory as there was only one tiger tosee. It was then time for The Parrot Show which like The Sea Lion show was goodbut didn’t have any English translation – again a little annoying! Showed outwe decided to get some lunch. This was a most delicious smoked salmon salad anda side of chips for Lauren (minus the one I ate shhh!)


After lunch we had afinal mosy around before hitting the gift shop where we finally managed to finda few presents! An even quicker bus trip later and we were home! I’ve just hada shower so my hair is still kinda wet and needs some blow drying . After thatI might read some more of my book. Toodle ooo xxx

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