Like all Tinder romances this one began with a right swipe. From the start I wasn’t overly attracted to the Sharkofile and he probably slipped through the dating net (no pun intended) as a result of the Facebook mutual friends and interests- I thought this would mean he was more normal and on my wave length…how wrong I was.
After the swipe, it was a match (always good nothing worse then that instant pang of rejection when you don’t get that immediate like.)
The first message was a standard “how’s you?” before we moved on to jobs, when he told me he was an Estate Agent.
Okay, I know you’re all screaming that this should have been ringing major alarm bells, but at the time we actually had a bit of ‘Inbetweeners’ style banter and I thought he could actually be quite funny.
After a couple of banter filled messages and the transition from Tinder to Whatsapp, I agreed to meet.
It’s probably at this point I should tell you that I’ve sadly been on A LOT of bad dates. The only good thing about this is that now I know quite clearly what I like and what I DON’T. Cinema is an obvious no no, meals are way too much commitment and when you’re a lightweight like me, evening drinks can be a little awkward. You can’t beat an afternoon coffee. You’re not left alone and depressed on a Saturday night if they bail, the caffeine is just enough to relax your nerves (whilst maintaining your senses!) and if all else fails you’re just an espresso away from making you’re quick get away.
Following this dating strategy, for our first date we met for a coffee at this cute cafe called the Garage Lounge- relaxed, quirky and within walking distance of my flat.
On the day of the date I had pretty low expectations. Previous Tinder experiences put the probability of him bailing at the last minute as pretty high and the probability of him being a weirdo even higher.
Luckily, this guy passed the first test and actually turned up!
First impressions, he wasn’t my type. He was wearing a leather jacket, skinny jeans and he was probably the same height as me without heels – I usually have a 6 foot and over rule.
But, I decided to overlook a few inches, the questionable fashion choices and give the date a chance.
Thankfully, his funniness translated from Whatsapp to person and I can honestly say I haven’t laughed that much on a date before. So, I began to think that this skinny jean look could have some potential.
On the date we spoke about everything from hobbies to our favourite TV programs. I said the classics, Dinner Date and Millionaire Matchmaker. For him it was nature programs, particularly shark ones. Now, at the time this didn’t seem too weird. Sure, they weren’t my favourite but could be worse.
A few more coffees later, the date came to an end and he dropped me home. Feeling pleasantly surprised by the quality of the date, and wanting to continue the ‘banter’,I thought it would be cute to send him a Whatsapp with a photo of some shark DVDs I had. These included Shark Night [DVD] and Jurassic Shark [DVD]Now, I know you’re thinking why the hell did I have those in my DVD collection? I must point out, I didn’t buy them, they were given to me by my sister’s boyfriend who used to review for a horror film website and their presence is purely for ironic purposes…Honestly!
Anyway, cute Whatsapp sent, I was pleased to receive a speedy reply – I’ve played this well I thought. In his reply he said the films looked amazing and he’d like to come round and watch them.
Now, I know I said the date went well I am still a lady, so I didn’t quite fancy letting him in my flat just yet. Instead, I agreed to a drink.
A week of banterful Whatsapps passed and before I knew it Friday was here for our date. New glitzy top on, as I got ready for this date I felt pleasantly excited. However, This excitement was sadly short-lived as during the making over process I received a Whatsapp saying “I’ve had a hard day at work today, do you mind if we skip the drinks and I just come round yours and watch the films?” Erm, yeah I minded! I’ve had a new top on, it was Friday night, I wanted to go out! I responded with a slightly less blunt version of the above saying I wanted to go out but if he doesn’t that’s cool we can reschedule. A quick recovery was then had, as within moments a reply popped through saying a drink was still cool.
Unfortunately, excitement turned into annoyance, the usual Tinder trepidations returned and I really began to wonder if he was going to turn up at all. 15 minutes late he did eventually turn up, but everything felt different No charm, no sweetness and definitely no banter! An awkward walk to the pub later, we both had a drink, easing the tension slightly.
Stupidly, I then began to feel slightly guilty about my reaction to his text and thought maybe he had a really bad day at work so BEYOND stupidly I suggested maybe watching the shark films back at mine wouldn’t be such a bad idea. He then got ridiculously excited. So excited in fact that he gave me a high five -instantly I filled with regret and knew this had been a bad idea.
Walking back to my flat my regret was magnified by a million when he said this to me:
“Now when I watch a film I’ve got this thing I have to have someone tickle my hand.”
INSERT AWKWARDEST SLIENT EVER and then I finally managed.
“it’s something my Mum used to do”
AWKWARD SILENCE MADE EVEN MORE AWKWARD WITH THE ADDITION OF MOTHER ISSUES DETAIL
“Erm, no I’m not doing that.”
“oh go on” he replied as he started ticking his own hand as if the reason I refused was because I didn’t know how to tickle someone’s hand.
“Erm no, I doubt you do that when you watch a film with your friends.”
A two-minute walk (which felt like 2 hours) and we were in my flat where I genuinely felt worried. I didn’t want this guy here, but how could I get rid of him? I considered ringing my sisters but then I realised this would be pointless, one would already be on her fourth double vodka and the other has this weird incapacity to ever answer her phone when I call – maybe I should take the hint.
I then pulled myself together and decided that realistically I wasn’t in that much danger. I could take a skinny jean wearing guy with mother issues if push came to shove.
The awkwardness was made even worse by the fact that we were watching Jurassic Shark.
As the film began he asked me again to tickle his hand to which I responded what was I meant to think when some stranger from Tinder comes into my flat and asks me to play round and round the garden? No response. He then waited till the next gruesome killing in the film to simply put his hand out to me- by this point I honestly wanted to chop it off!
A long shark tickling fetish filled 90 minutes later the film finally came to an end and I literally said ‘I’m tired I think you should go’ code for get out of my house now!
Luckily (and this time I actually mean luckily) he took the hint and went
I haven’t heard from him since but I have burned my copies of Jurassic Shark and Shark Night and I will never look at a 123 Sesame Street 18″ Tickle Me Elmo Laughs & Giggles Childrens Kids Cuddly Toy in the same way again!
8 thoughts on “Sharkofiles and Tinder tickling fetish traumas”
AMAZING. I LOVE this blog. I love this story!!!
I know I’ve heard this before – real LOL story. Well done Ali. x M
Ali his actually cracked me up!! Brilliant! You should have you’re own column x