Buffalo Bill

Three down and there are still a good few Tinder tragedies to go. So who next? I think we will go with Buffalo Bill.
Now Buffalo Bill was one of my early Tinder experiences and to be honest when it first started things were going surprisingly well.
As you can imagine when you’re busy swiping it’s easy to lose track of who you’re matching with and the odd ‘what was I thinking’ is likely to slip through. Bill was definitely one of these. He wasn’t ugly and his body was really quite impressive. However, he also had quite an impressive beard…not my type at all! But before I’d had a chance to un-match he’d sent me a message. Curious (and slightly distracted by the hot body) I decided to message back. A mild flirtation began and before I knew it I was finding myself really quite intrigued by the beard.
Then Buffalo Bill did the strangest thing that took me totally off guard… He asked me for my number so he could call me- voice on voice action already? This was so retro! Wanting to prepare for such serious intercourse ( and not wanting my evening of Corrie and MIC interrupted) I screened his call and told him I couldn’t chat tonight as I was out but he could call me tomorrow. He then sent a goodnight text and I waited for the call.
The next day then came around and whilst at work I didn’t have a chance to look at my phone all morning as we were having one of those enforced ‘fun’ days. Filled with lots of team building exercises and way too much time with the boss.
A self confessed phone addict, by the time lunch came around I was desperate to check for texts, Whatsapps and Facebook notifications. Amongst the standard sister texts and Facebook like there were two missed calls from two mobile numbers I didn’t recognise. Intrigued and impatient I immediately rang the number to find out who it was. Not once, but three times. Each with no answer until the fourth when I was actually cut off- now it’s at this point I should probably tell you that for some unknown ridiculous reason I didn’t have Buffalo Bill’s number saved in my phone.
Something I didn’t remember until I was back at my seat after lunch. The same moment I realised the four calls I’d made weren’t to the number who I’d had a missed call from today but instead the number I’d screened last night… – shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!
Could I look any more psycho? Going from avoiding the initial call to phoning him four times in the middle or the day.
Feeling more than a little embarrassed, I tried to think of believable explanations I could use to justify the Cray Cray action when he phoned later – that’s if he was still going to call the bunny boiler unable to work a phone.
To my surprise he did still call and I instantly came out with this lie apologising for the calls, blaming an unlocked phone.
Sounding slightly confused and unconvinced he replied, “That’s okay I did think it was a bit random, sorry I didn’t answer. We .aren’t allowed phones at work. Luckily. He then changed the subject and invited me out tor a drink on Friday – few, I’d just about got around the Cray Cray behaviour. Relieved, I agreed and we organised a date for 8pm.on Friday night at All Bar One in Gunwharf.
Arriving at the date, I’ve got to admit I was slightly taken a back by the beard – it seemed bushier in real life. Luckily, it didn’t smell like I thought it would and after a vodka it became a lot more attractive. The conversation was also flowing a lot better than I thought it would too. Unfortunately, the drink was also flowing a lot quicker than I thought it would and two quick drinks in Buffalo Bill was ready to move on to the next bar. – Not great for me, the all time biggest lightweight. Luckily, at the next bar as I got the drinks, I managed to get something non alcoholic to pace myself. Although, after the next Buffalo Bill confession, I think alcohol might have made it a bit easier to bare. You see it was in the second bar that Buffalo Bill decided to tell me about all the different drugs he’d done.- really? Is that actually first date conversation?
The date then turned into more of a bar crawl, when we moved on to the third Gunwharf drinking venue. It was here that the topic of drugs returned and Buffalo Bill invited me back to his house to try some. I’m not sure, exactly where recreational drug use fits into the official dating rules but for me on a first date it’s a definite no go, so I politely refused and made my way home.

The next day I received an out of the blew call from Buffalo Bill- there was no time to prep for the voice on voice action this time around. During the convo he sounded surprisingly nervous, apologising for drinking so much and that he hoped I didn’t get the wrong impression about the drugs. He then went on to invite me round for dinner. This made me think that maybe I had got the wrong impression and after weighing up his hot body and the flirtatious conversation with the curious beard and mild drug use, I decided he was probably worth a second date and agreed to go round for dinner. But not on the Sunday he suggested 1. Because you could have the body of Channing Tatum and I still wouldn’t sacrifice my Sunday roast for you 2. I also wanted to play a bit hard to get. So, Instead I agreed to the Tuesday – with no potential gym classes or good TV to miss, it was the perfect choice.
Tuesday then rocked around and I drove to his straight after work. However. thanks to my amazing navigation skills, I didn’t actually arrive until 730pm… don’t ask! Thankfully, Buffalo Bill wasn’t too fussed with my tardiness and greeted me with a feast of fajitas and salad- perfect! After dinner he gave me the tour of his house, showing off his different DIY master pieces – impressed I mentally began to write a to-do list of all the jobs he could do around my flat. Tour over; we went up to his room to watch a film. He said I could choose and for some nostalgic nineties reason, I went with The Mask. We then ACTUALLY watched the film – it was so teenage and cute.
Unfortunately, the conversation after the film wasn’t quite so cute. This is because, and I still don’t know how the subject came up, but Buffalo Bill felt the need to tell me all his different conspiracy theory views – including the fake moon landing, 9/11 and of course what every date wants to chat about… The Dark forces that are ruling the world. Half expecting him to show me his tinfoil hat, I thought I’d better head home.
Back at my flat I got a text from Buffalo Bill asking if I got home safe. I replied but decided that should probably be the last text I’d send to him. What with the drugs, conspiracy theories and extreme facial hair we were just had too different.

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