A guide to baby Faulkner’s new family

Welcome to the world Baby Faulkner! This is a guide to your wonderful new family…




So, first up we’ve got your beautiful mum. Now, while you may be her first baba, she’s actually extremely well versed in mothering. She’s had plenty of experience looking after your Aunty Biba, your dad…and on many occasions me! Whether she’s putting her amazing practical skills to use, staying calm in a crisis or just generally being a great care giver you couldn’t ask for a better mum. A few important things you should know about your mum include: likes drawing, dogs and chilling. Dislikes being hungry, being sleepy and watching the channel 4 news.

Next up in your family tree there is your dad. I first met your dad about 13 years ago in a little pub that no longer exists called the Registry. Over the years he has put up with a lot, being forced to dance to 9-5 at every party, taking down marquees when he’s been ever so slightly hungover and helping me move into my many different homes. Thanks to this I truly see him as my brother from another mother and I know he’s going to be an absolutely legend of a father. Important things you should know about your dad: likes wrestling, West Ham and random beers. Dislikes shopping, ‘brain rot’ tv and I’m pretty sure thanks to me, Dolly Parton.

Okay, so that’s the first generation done now on to your Nana … so, your Nana has been the bestest mum ever, thus I know she is going to be a great Nana. She’s the queen of sewing, makes honestly the most delicious roasts and always has a helpful answer to your questions or worries . Things you should know about your Nana are: likes vodka, reading and The Lighthouse Family. Dislikes mashed potato, mess and particularly mess caused by your Pops…

So, I could probably some your Pops up in two words really…spurs and beer. However, he is much more than that and has been an amazing dad. If you’re ever lost, need a lift or a motivational speech – he’s your man. Family is everything to him and he literally can’t wait to meet his first grandson (even if there is a strong chance you’re a West Ham supporter!) important things you need to know about your Pops are: likes beer, football and walking. Dislikes lateness, when someone drinks out of his beer glass and sitting still.

Aunty Gina

Now, Aunty Gina was a grown up at the age of two, so by the time me and your mum were born she was already the queen of big sisters… reading us stories, solving me and your mum’s fights and giving us flys (note not flys the insects, but the acrobatic sport!) Now your mum and I are all grown up she still performs all the important sisterly duties. Sadly, there are less flys and stories… but nicely there are more beauty treatments and clothes hand me downs. Things you should know about your Aunty Gina: likes shopping, shimmers and Whitney Houston. Dislikes being cold, unhealthy food and like your Pops, sitting still!

Uncle Dan
So, I’ve known your uncle Dan now longer than I haven’t known him and in that time he’s done literally all my diy jobs, dj’d at all my parties and even rescued me when I got locked in my bathroom (don’t ask!) And despite me calling him old man Dan, he will honestly be the funnest uncle, playing games, taking you down the seafront and showing off his latest gadgets. Important things you need to know about Uncle Dan: likes playing games, history and food (lots of food!) Dislikes when I beat him in a run, being called old man Dan and when I try and interfere with his djing.

Crazy Aunty Ali
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So, you’ve also got me! Now at times I might lack common sense and get myself into random situations (cooking phones, locking myself in bathrooms and getting pulled over by the police!) But, if you ever need someone to talk to, have a random adventure with or to tell you a funny story , I’m your girl. Your mum and dad are literally two of the most important people in my life, so even though I haven’t met you yet I already love you unconditionally.

I hope you’ve enjoyed your guide, however, this is only part of your family. You also have your amazing Faulkner grandparents, aunties, uncles and great grandparents, I couldn’t begin to explain their amazingnus but here is a taster…

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