Ali and Stu’s Lanzado

Day one

So, it’s day one and Stu and my holiday has officially begun! The day started at the ungodly hour of 3.15am when Stu’s alarm awoke us (and probably my grumpy neighbour downstairs…don’t ask)

Stu quickly jumped out of bed and into the shower. I then, not quite so quickly , dragged myself out about 5 minutes later and put the TV on (partly to wake myself up and partly to annoy my grumpy neighbour downstairs…again don’t ask)

Watching a retro 8 out of 10 cats, I started to make myself look slightly more presentable and tried to find something to wear both suitable for freezing February in England and lovely warm Lanzarote. I ended up following my Auntie Jean’swise advice and went with “LAYERS!”

Dressed in a not so stylish combination of purple trousers, black cami, black cardigan, white cardigan, denim jacket AND Stu’s hoodie, I then did a quick noisy insta story (again to annoy the neighbour downstairs) before Stu finished his toblerone and we hit the road for Gatwick.

I managed to stay awake until the Selborne round about when Stu said did I want to go to sleep…I said no I’ll stay awake but I think by this point he had enough of hyper holiday Ali at this time in the morning so he said no he wanted me to sleep.

A quick nap later and we were at Gatwick Airport car park. Here, annoyingly we missed our bus by literally a second thanks to the not so friendly bus driver man. This meant we then had a chilly 12 minute wait at the bus stop…just enough time for me to break my sunglasses.

Sans sunglasses, we arrived at security where not only did both Stu and I get stopped and searched (they must have known we were from Pompey!) but we also saw Jack from Love Island and Sam from Made in Chelsea. Resisting the urge to ask for a selfie, we made it through with just 15 minutes to get to our gate. No time to buy my usual magazines and plane supplies, I had to make do with the complimentary Metro, Sun and Yours Magazine – for those who haven’t heard of Yours Magazine (aka anyone under 70) it is filled with adverts for incontinence pants, dating ads for widows and stories about how to save on your heating – but hey it was free!

As we were so late getting to the gate, they wanted to put my hand luggage into the hold and put a label on it…not keen on this, Stu told me to take the label off when they weren’t looking…luggage snuck on the plane we then both had a little nap before indulging in an easy jet meal deal. We both went for ham and cheese toasties which were quite tasty – although given they cost about the same amount as the flight you’d hope they would be.

Stu has now done some drawings on the iPad of me, a lion, a snake and idris Elba – psychiatrists read into that what you will. We are about 30 mins away from landing and all set for some holiday fun!

Day one contd

Okay, so you’ll be pleased to know that since we last spoke, we landed safely and successfully made our way through Lanza security. We also, quite surprisingly given it was me organising, found our transfer which not only arrived on time but also took us to the right hotel! The journey wasn’t too bad either, apart from the random soundtrack of songs you know by artists you don’t…the bus obviously didn’t have the budget for the real Ed Sheeran.

A crappy shape of you and new rules later, we were at our apartment which again to my great relief (given that it was me organising) was clean, had working WiFi and enough beds for the entire hebbo family.

Safely at our apartment, Stu then obviously had to unpack and do some ironing whilst I obviously had to update my insta stories. Important stuff out the way we both had a quick freshen up before hitting the Lanza strip.

Stu was very impressed by the range of delights on offer, with everything from fake designer bags to fake wooden di …I’ll let you finish that sentence in case my mum is reading. Whilst browsing the strip I was also pleased to find some rather nice Michael Kors sunglasses to replace those that had been broken what feels like a million years ago at the airport this morning.

After showing Stu the Lanza highlights, Pinocchios, golden corner and tiny bar to name but a few! We were in need of some refuelling so we decided to test out the food at the golden corner. Where I had some tasty chicken and egg thing (not sure what came first but it all worked together very well) and Stu had a hot pizza and two beers.

Suitably refreshed we mosied back along the strip where we happen to come across a beauty salon where stu “forced” me to get a pedicure. Not wanting to upset him I didn’t resist on the condition he went and got another beer. So, now as I’m writing this I’m mid pedicure and Stu is probably mid beer no. 3 or 4? I love holidays!

Day two

So, last time we spoke I’d just finished prettyfying my feet, Stu had just finished his pint and we were both feeling Puerto Del Carmen life. After my pedicure, I went and dragged Stu away from the pub and we popped into the shop to buy some hotel supplies. These included apples, Pepsi, water, toblerone, yoghurts, malteser bar and pringles – I’ll let you guess whose was whose.

Hotel room fully stocked, we then made our way down to the pool where Stu was delighted to finally use his Pompey football towel and get another beer. Some much needed chill time later, we then went back to the room to see what Lanza TV was on offer. We were pleased to see that the TV had all the English channels but not so pleased that we’d missed neighbours and ended up watching Hollyoaks… 5 mins in I began to feel less pleased about having a TV.

It was then time to get Dinner ready and where else could I take Stu but my all time fave Lanza restaurant, Pinocchios! To my surprise and Stu’s slight concern, the waiters recognised me instantly and gave us their best table. I then munched on the Ali special (chicken and a lot of salad with mayo) whilst Stuart had a v tasty steak.

Starting to feel the effects of our 20 something hour day on less than 5 hours sleep, after dinner we went back to the room to eat our puddings and watch a bit of crappy tv before bed.

A short 9 hours later we both then awoke feeling fresh and re-energised. Me feeling slightly more energised / hyperactive decided to go on a little run whilst Stu got a lil more sleep.

Arriving back from my run Stu thought it would be funny to jump out on me… I didn’t think was so funny and screamed which I then think the neighbours in the neighbouring apartments didn’t think was so funny.

Recovered from my near heart attack we then got ready to go out for another walk down the strip where Stu found a shop that sold EVERY football top… apart from Pompey. Starting to feel peckish, found a nice little restaurant for lunch where Stu could test out the Paella and I could try out the Tuna. Full of fish, after lunch we went for another walk and another trip to the shop before getting ready for the beach.

We are now on the beach and Stu is getting v bored because I’m spending too much time writing and not enough time talking to him, I know this because he’s already asked me “how many grains of sand are on the beach” “is that Africa over there” and “what do you think of budgie smugglers” before he asks any more of these insightful questions I think I better stop writing and keep him entertained. Ciao for now!

Day two contd

Okay, so after we last spoke I managed to entertain Stu with beach races (which I obviously let him win just to protect his dignity) some photos and telling him we could go get an ice cream. We then went and had a little wander along the beach, found a cafe for an ice cream and began to ask Stu some Ali questions like, where will we all be in ten years and how many kids are we going to have…at this point I think he wanted me to go back to writing my blog.

Ice cream eaten we mosied a bit further down the strip and found a nice seafront restaurant for dinner tonight. Stu’s now in the bathroom, I’m feeling nice and chilled debating on what my next insta story should be… adios!

Day three

So, it’s day three of Lanzarotee!

After we last spoke Stuart jumped out the shower, I did a few more insta stories and we started to get ready for our second night on the Lanza town.

Dressed in our finest holiday gear (aka an everything five pound dress for me and a pair of nice shorts, a T shirt and of course a pair of impressive shoes for Stu) we hit the strip and made our way to a lovely beachfront restaurant that I hadn’t actually been to before.

On our way we had to obviously stop off for a few beach photos – I’ll do anything to keep Stu happy…we also saw many an old northerner – the copy of Yours magazine is starting to make more sense since every other tourist we’ve seen so far has been a good 40 years older than us.

Photos taken, we arrived at the restaurant where I enjoyed a seafood feast whilst Stu had a tasty, but rather small spag Bol. Still feeling slightly hungry from his little Italian, on the home we stopped off at the hyper Dino, or as Stu likes to call it, hippo dinlo because of the pictures of hippos everywhere (they are dinosaurs but anyway…)

Snacks in hand we went back to the room where I attempted to do a few pick me up puzzles whilst Stu read some of his book – I think all the old tourists are starting to age us. We then had an early night and a peaceful sleep…peaceful apart from when I woke Stu up at 5am because I had a nightmare and was convinced there was a burglar in the room.

After he put my worries at ease and showed me there were in fact no burglars, we both went back to sleep until I awoke for my obligatory holiday run. Run done, we then had brekkie before hitting the strip and starting our hunt for a Jurassic park golf we saw an ad for at the airport.

A pleasant tat filled shop walk later, we were at the Dino golf which didn’t disappoint. There were dinos, lots of sound effects aaaaaaand I even won – we won’t mention some of my slightly questionable tactics I used to win.

Game in hand we then went for another stroll where we happened to come across a Zara which Stu insisted I went in. Not wanting to upset him, I agreed and because I’m very nice I let him treat me to a top, jumper, jeans, chinos and a shirt.

Zara haul done, we were both on the edge of hanger so we went into a cafe for lunch, where Stu got a pizza and I got a chicken prawn thing which was v tasty. We then continued our walk back to the hotel before stopping off at the hyper Dino / hippo dinlo for more supplies and snacks.

Back at the room we had a quick change and phone charge before heading back out to the beach, which is where we are now. Stu isn’t too bored with me writing today, although I think this may be because he’s slightly traumatised by all the topless pensioners.

Asta luego!

Day four

So, today it’s not only day four of the holiday but also Valentine’s Day- a detail which will come up later in the blog… but for now, I will pick up from where I left things off yesterday, on the beach.

As mentioned, Stu had just about had his fill of old naked ladies, so we decided to leave the beach, rinse off the sand and make our way back up to the room. When we returned to the hotel, I was feeling a bit peckish so I made up my favourite holiday snack, big Lanza apple with a lot of Pepsi.

Snacks eaten we both then got ready for our penultimate evening meal. For some reason, Stu had an urge to brush my hair and as I’m always lame at straightening this part, I let him do so, leaving me with luscious looking locks.

Hair straightened, wearing ANOTHER everything 5 pound dress, we did the usual routine of a few photos before going to Pinocchios. Stu then munched on a lasagne with a beer, followed by a baileys, whilst I had roast chicken, ratatouille and of course a lot of Pepsi.

After dinner, we went for a quick look around the shops. Not content with all the Zara purchases he’d bought me earlier, Stu treated me to an ‘authentic ‘ Gucci hoodie before we headed back to the room to watch the last in the series of Cleaning up – yes we are that cool!

Watching Cleaning up we both agreed it was good but not a great finale and not very realistic.

After all that excitement, as you can imagine we were feeling pretty tired so we went to bed. Luckily this night there were no burglars in the room but I did still wake up a few times after a few rather vivid dreams… when I awoke I did my usual run, but because as I said before, today is Valentine’s Day, I made a little stop off to the shop to get Stu a special breakfast- chocolate doughnut and chocolate sausage roll (which is actually just what Stu calls a pain au chocolat)

When I returned, Stu was there waiting for me with Dolly playing and v pleased when I gave him his special breakfast, card I secretly packed and turtle I secretly bought in the shop the night before when he wasn’t looking.

All loved up, we got ready watching This Morning before heading down for a walk to the old town. On our walk there were a good few photos taken and a good few more northerners to be seen. Hungry from all our walking we made our way back to the strip and started the hunt for lunch.

After not much deliberating, we settled on Pinocchios for lunch as it had been a good half day since we’d been there. For this meal Stu went for a beer and a pizza and I went for tuna and pe… I think you can finish that sentence.

Bellies full we got the last round of supplies from the hyper Dino / hippo dinlo and went back to the room to get ready for the beach. To our delight the room had been cleaned…however to Stu’s dismay they had mistaken the hotel towels for his Pompey towel so we are now minus one Pompey towel equating to one v sad Stu.

On our way out we tried to go to the reception to explain the freaky Friday style towel trauma, but unfortunately the reception is closed until 5pm. So for all our sakes I hope when we return from the beach the towel is there…to be continued!

Day five

So, I left the last blog entry with a bit of a towel gate cliffhanger…and don’t worry all will be resolved in this passage but before then I must fill you in on what happened in between.

After the beach, I was in need of some caffeine and Stu was in need of some cider, so we popped into a cute little bar on the seafront where not only did they do a tasty cappuccino for me and Magners for Stu, but also had a Dolly Parton documentary on – winning!!! Sadly, Stu was less of a fan of the waiter, who said he didn’t seem like he was a fan of the heat.

Drinks drunk, we went to the hotel reception to ask about our airport transfers and the missing towel. The good news was the man at reception printed off a helpful hand out for our transfer…the bad news he didn’t know where the towel was. Trying to reassure Stu that his towel would be found, we walked back to our room for our usual pre dinner snacks and a little tea time telly fix.

Dressed in our Valentine’s finest (me a dress that Natalie got me from Boohoo.com, Stu a rather stylish T-shirt and shorts with of course some impressive shoes) we wandered down to Cafe la ola for our special Valentine’s meal. Here, I was pleased to see there was some tasty salmon on the menu and Stu was even more pleased to hear that they could make him Paella for one! Over dinner we listened to many a cheesy love song, including Lauren and Sam’s first dance Aerosmith hit, a bit of the obligatory Buble and some mood setting Marvin Gaye. Sadly, just as we were leaving they decided to play Stu’s fave Celine Dion track – probably heard us singing it in Carpool karaoke.

After dinner, we made our way back up the strip, stopping off to buy some baccy on the way for Stu’s dad. Back at the ranch, we watched a bit of TV which unfortunately didn’t include Valentine’s special First Dates as channel 4 decided not to work. Luckily, the other channels were working but after a bit of Bridget Jones, we were feeling a bit sleepy so headed to bed.

A nice snooze later, we awoke to a holiday miracle…yes you’ve guessed it, waiting on the holiday balcony was a very neatly folded Pompey towel! – the hotel staff obviously couldn’t get any money for it on the market. A very happy Stu and relieved me, then finished off our packing before one final Lanza walk.

Feeling content with our steps, we made our way back to the hotel, stopping off at the shop for a cheesy mag for me and a chocolate sausage roll/ pan au chocolat for Stu. We then enjoyed a little brekkie watching This Morning before getting our bus to the airport. I then faced the challenge of drinking the 1.5l pepsi Stu told me I wouldn’t finish before we had to board…I failed but I think the passengers on the flight won as that amount of caffeine and Ali is never a good mix.

An effortless check in, quick coffee and sandwich later it was time to board the plane. Which is where we are now. Stu is currently looking like he’s about to explode as I set him the challenge of staying quiet whilst I wrote my last blog post so I’ll love you and leave you after the bestest holiday ever xxx

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