Nowhere to go so let’s get to know myself…

So, it’s one of my furlough days, I’ve had a lovely socially distanced walk with my mum and I’ve been to the thrilling Tesco. Unfortunately though, I’m now trapped in my lounge because we have plasterers in the hallway who have taken over the entire house.

In a quandary over what I could do that would be “vaguely” productive, I’ve decided to do some writing…slight problem is that I don’t know what to write about.

Like anyone with a problem, I turned to Google for inspiration. After a little searching, I found a list of questions designed to help you “know” yourself better. Always a fan of a question, I decided to answer a few and this is what came out…

What makes me cry?

If you’d asked me this a few years ago I would have really struggled to answer it as it took ALOT to make me cry. Even in some of my scariest, sadest, darkest moments I would try and put a brave face on. Fast forward a few years and it’s for me to pick just one!

I like to think this isn’t because I’m some sort of nervous wreck and if anything I’m my most happy I’ve ever been. But for some reason, whether it be happy, sad or just a bit annoying, the tiniest thing can now make me cry.

I think this could be partly because we are in a global pandemic and without a doubt this has made us all react a little strangely… hormones definitely also have a lot to answer for! But I think the main reason I cry a lot is just because I think I generally feel a lot more comfortable crying.

I feel more comfortable with a lot of things now I’m in my 30s and I truly think crying isn’t a sign of weakness or a bad thing, it’s just an expression of emotion which at the moment gives me a great release. Plus, sometimes I think your eyes just need a nice clean!

Which words can annoy me?

Woah, question 1 typically for me led me to babble so I’ll keep this one short and sweet. Not many words annoy me (as you can see from the amount of them I write in this blog) but I think the main one is the c word. This isn’t because I’m a prude or disagree with swearing – bloody hell if I kept a swear jar I’d be bankrupt! However, the reason that word annoys me is because like I said we all swear so much that they really don’t have any power apart from that one. I think we do need a word that is that strong, so like antibiotics, chemical weapons we should save it and hopefully we will never be they angry that we need to but just in case so it has ultimate impact.

What makes me anxious?

Okay, so this isn’t that original but it’s just being out of control. I think you’d be a bit weird if you said you liked being out of control. Some of the simplest things can be terrifying if you’re out of control… for example, most people would be fine driving a car but when you ask them to hand over the power to me and put me in the driving seat that’s suddenly things become a bit scary.

Thankfully, one of the few good things to come out of this insane year, is that we have all had to face that fear of being out of control. Like many, I’ve had no control over when I can go back to work, get married or even the amount of times I can go for a walk. Having no option but to face this fear has definitely made me realise that being out of control isn’t the worst thing in the world and sometimes you just have to accept what will be will be – I’m not sure though if that same logic applies for passengers in my car.

What can make me mad?

This is quite hard because I try and always be “positive”. That said I think what really makes me mad at myself, is when I’m not positive. This is definitely a bit convoluted that being mad or less than happy is what makes me mad. I’ve found this particularly this year, when there has been so many people with much bigger problems than me coping, I feel angry that little things like my wedding chaos not or not being able to get my roots done makes me mad.

Thankfully, I’m getting better at coping with this because in the same way the happiness lottery winners feel ecstatic when they win the jackpot doesn’t take away the happiness I feel when I find a fiver in my purse I forgot about, the sadness someone feels in a disaster shouldn’t make me feel guilty for feeling mad about much smaller things. This permission to feel mad, then randomly helps me feel less mad.

What makes me laugh?

Okay, there are quite a few more questions and I’ve already rambled on quite a lot (plus the plasterers are now nearly done!) But I’ll end on this one as it’s nice.

So, without a doubt, my good friend Ben Franklin knows exactly how to make me laugh. After a day with him my stomach muscles hurt more than any workout at the gym. The things we laugh about should never be printed and illustrate how wrong my sense of humour is.

On the other end of the spectrum, a conversation with my sister Lauren can literally leave me in tears. We will say or see something so random that brings me right back to childhood and only we understand because of our crazy sister relationship.

Finally my lovely fiancé knows exactly how to make me laugh. Now, don’t get wrong there are a lot of things he finds funny that leaves me cold…he’s South Park and I’m more Sex and the City.

That said, in the same way Lauren and I have countless random things that leave us in hysterics, me and Stu will now see something or hear a particular phrase that reminds of us something and we will be on the floor.

Okay, so not sure if after answering all those I know myself any better but it killed a bit of time and now I’m free from the lounge!

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