Getting on with guilt

So, like most people I often feel guilty… Guilty I decided to watch another episode of Selling the Sunset instead of sorting out my pension…Guilty I ate an entire tub of Ben and Jerry’s in one sitting…Guilty I ordered another bundle of clothes from E5p even though I have a wardrobe full of clothes.

However, since becoming pregnant this guilt has reached another level. It all started pretty much on day one when I discovered I was pregnant and decided I should do a major detox. For me this meant cutting out all caffeine from my diet. Stu and I had both studied the NHS website and while it said a small amount of caffeine was fine, I didn’t want to risk it. I therefore cut my usual three cups a day down to zero.

My fellow caffeine addicts will know, this sudden withdrawal didn’t leave me feeling great. Combined with the first trimester nausea and just general tiredness, I ended up getting the worst migraine ever. Suddenly, I’d gone from feeling ecstatic that I was pregnant to probably the sickest i’d ever felt.

Now, anyone that’s read my blog before will know I’ve had migraines for most of my adult life, but with this one I felt like I couldn’t moan because it would mean I wasn’t happy that I was pregnant. Even writing that I know it sounds so silly, but I felt like I should enjoy everything about my pregnancy, even the hard bits to show how grateful I was.

After, three days of sickness, unable to even keep a glass of water down I gave in and sipped a glass of Diet Coke. The mix of coldness, caffeine and fizz made me feel a bit better and I could start to eat a bit of toast.

Since then I’ve realised that I need a bit of caffeine to function. Now, I let myself have one cup of coffee, which randomly is physically the only amount I can drink. And even though this is totally within the NHS recommended guidelines, I can’t help but feel guilty that I didn’t give it up for my baby.

The second stage of my pregnancy guilt ironically came in my second trimester. In my first trimester I was very lucky that despite the odd puking here and there and that caffeine withdrawal migraine, my life hadn’t changed that too much so I could carry on with my usual routine. For me this meant every day going for my morning run.

I’ve run for as long as I remember and while I’m definitely not the fastest, nothing gets me set for the day like getting up, listening to my favourite cheesy tunes and stomping the pavements of Portsmouth.

I’d naively thought I’d be able to run throughout my pregnancy, seeing countless fitness bloggers completing marathons days before they dropped. Sadly, for me this wasn’t going to be the case as a few weeks ago I got sciatica.

I wrote about this a bit in my last blog and unfortunately since getting it, even walking has been a struggle let alone going for a run. Again, even writing this I feel so guilty because I know there are so many people suffering so much more than me but having this part of my daily routine taken away really hurt.

Like the caffeine migraine, every time I get sad I can’t go for a run I feel so guilty. I’m so so so lucky to be pregnant and if there was a choice of having my healthy gorgeous daughter and going for a stupid run, there’s no competition.

Thankfully, even though I’m a long way off running again, I can feel my sciatica slowly getting better and while I might not be able to run in my pregnancy like I’d hoped, I am enjoying morning walks and pregnancy yoga.

I’m sure when our baby arrives, there will be hundreds of other things I feel guilty about. For now, I’m just trying to tell myself that I might be pregnant, which is amazing but I’m also still Ali. It’s only natural I’m going to find some of these changes hard but that doesn’t mean I don’t realise that I’m still so lucky and can’t wait to meet our beautiful baby girl.

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