So, it feels about a minute since I weed on a stick and made a very panicky call to Stu… In reality, it has actually been about seven hormonal pregnant months.
Since then my bump, baby (and boobs!) have all got a lot bigger, my mood swings have got even more crazy and as of Friday I have officially started maternity leave.
Now, very bored/ very polite people who have read my rambley blog before will know that around about two years ago I took my first break from work ever due to Covid. And while there are definitely differences between a pandemic and pregnancy, my emotions feel strangely similar.
When I first got told I was going on furlough, I was nervous, unsure of how I’d cope without my work routine and randomly really guilty about not contributing to the house.
Thankfully, with maternity, I had a lot more notice, I’m insanely excited about meeting our baby and the guilt is a-lot less knowing that soon I’ll have a human to look after.
However, the nerves are definitely still there. I’ve lost count of the amount of people who have asked me “do you feel ready?” “What’s your plan for when the baby comes?” Now, I don’t want to sound rude because I’m pretty sure I’ve asked those same questions and I know people are probably just genuinely curious and making conversation. But to be honest, I have no idea what “ready” is meant to feel like and as for our plan, keep the baby happy and alive is about as far as it goes.
And even though, unlike furlough I don’t feel guilty about people thinking I’m lazy, I do feel guilty every time I do feel a bit nervous or scared about the baby coming and our life changing. I know logically nerves and being scared are totally normal. But because I’ve wanted a baby for so long and I know how desperately lucky we are to be pregnant, every time I feel anything less than excitement, I feel like an awful mum.
Luckily, again if you’ve read this blog before you’ll know that I really don’t have any qualms about talking about my feelings. So, when these thoughts of guilt and nerves have come into my head, not only have I had an amazing mum, sister and friends to turn to, my super Stu is always there to boost me up and reassure me that “we’ve got this.”
So, as I lie here by the Four Seasons Hotel Hampshire pool and enjoy this beyond relaxing weekend, courtesy of my wonderful work, I feel unusually okay about everything. I know there are definitely going to be highs and lows of the next stage of our adventure, but that’s okay because ever since the day I weed on that stick, I’ve never felt less alone.