So, from the second I saw the two lines on my positive pregnancy test to round about five minutes ago when I decided to have my second coffee of the day, even though I’m breastfeeding, I’ve pretty much felt a bit unsure, guilty and wondered am I doing this motherhood thing right!?
If you’ve read my blog before, you’ll know I was desperate to become a mum, so when I got pregnant so quickly I couldn’t have been happier…however, I think because I’ve been so lucky, every time I feel anything other than pure joy, the guilt I get is insane.
The guilt and uncertainty, like I said, really started in pregnancy, when I had to make decisions like whether or not I should get the covid vaccine. Not having it seemed awful putting me and Sienna at risk of covid but having a vaccine which they seemed to change their mind about was equally scary. Thankfully, I went with my gut, had the vaccine and so far we are both fine.
Since having Sienna another emotional topic has been breastfeeding. Randomly when I first found out I was pregnant I was quite anti breastfeeding, simply because I knew the pressure friends had been put on and how stressful the entire process had been. Not to mention the fact that according to my mum, I never breastfed and I turned out okay…alright maybe not the best example.
However, as my pregnancy progressed I decided I’d give breastfeeding a go and if it worked, amazing but if it didn’t I wouldn’t beat myself up. Anyway, when Sienna entered the world and wanted her first feed, I put her on the boob and she gulped away happy as Dad with a can of Stella – perfect!
When we got home, Sienna continued to feed but I couldn’t quite relax until her first midwife appointment and she got weighed. As the midwife put her on the scales I felt more scared than I did waiting for any exam results. Had I been doing the feeding right? Was she going to tell me i’d been starving my baby? To my delight Sienna weighed a healthy 7.3 lbs and at her second weigh in she was already back up to her birth weight, which the midwife couldn’t believe.
Unfortunately, despite this positive feedback I couldn’t quite relax as even though Sienna was feeding really well, I was really struggling to wind her and she was sick all over Stu, then the next day all over me. Suddenly I’d gone from worrying I wasn’t feeding her enough to paranoid I was feeding her too much. I got so worried about the sick I rang the maternity unit at the hospital in the middle of the night. Luckily, they were really kind and explained everything was normal.
At the next midwife appointment they said exactly the same thing and that Sienna was just a little bit too quick at drinking (again like Dad with Stella) so that’s why she was being sick.
After this the sick did settle down a bit until a lovely coffee date with my friend Anso, ended with sick all over me, Sienna and the sofa. Luckily, Anso is the least judgemental person in the world and even managed to get the sick out of the sofa. Yet, even with my amazing friend, the advice from the midwife, I felt like such an awful mum.
I then went on a nice walk in the sunshine, spoke to my, always reassuring, mum and again felt a million times better…until today. This is because today I faced another mum test with a visit from the health visitor. As I let her in I instantly felt so conscious about how I was holding Sienna and paranoid she was judging me when Sienna was grizzling because she wanted her morning feed. Of course, this was mainly in my head and the health visitor picked up Sienna’s cues and said I could feed her if I wanted. Thankfully, then she was really impressed with how Sienna was feeding and pleased to tell me that she now weighed 8.5 lbs!
Sienna then had a nice sleep, so I could go and do the shop, phone mum (see a pattern here) and get the washing done. Everything was going great and I couldn’t be happier when my sister then asked me to go round and see her gorgeous new arrival Sophia.
Sienna safely snoozing, I wandered round to Lauren’s, enjoyed some Sophia cuddles and felt nice and chilled. Sienna then started to grizzle so I knew it was time for a change and a feed. Happy with a nice clean bum (Sienna’s btw) I then started to feed her as lauren fed Sophia and couldn’t have been a happier mum. I then burped Sienna and all seemed okay until…yep she she did her sicky sofa trick. This time though on Lauren’s sofa.
Luckily, Lauren is just as understanding as Anso, but even so I felt beyond embarrassed, made even worse when I couldn’t seem to stop Sienna crying. Feeling awful making Lauren listen to a newborn cry that wasn’t even hers I thought I’d better go.
Of course, the second I stepped outside Sienna stopped crying. Then when we got home we enjoyed the most amazing cuddles and as I sniffed her beautiful little head I wondered why I was getting so worried about everything.
Now, as I write this, she’s snoozing away, chilled as anything and I’m just trying to remind myself, motherhood is a rollercoaster. There are going to be plenty of times I don’t feel like I’m doing it right and even if I do feel overwhelmed sometimes or if she does cry when I’ve fed her, changed her and played her favourite white noise playlist, that doesn’t mean I don’t love her and most importantly feel the luckiest I have ever been.