So, like most women (and men) I’ve had a somewhat complicated relationship with my body over the years. However, when I was pregnant (and without a doubt my biggest) this relationship was randomly simple.
For the first time, deciding what to eat wasn’t confused by emotions, guilt or judgment. Instead, I knew exactly what my body wanted to nourish my baby (even if that was sometimes a Copnor Grill kebab on a Thursday eve…what the baby wanted the baby got!)
And with everything I ate, I enjoyed watching my bump grow and showing it off with pride.
Unfortunately, when Sienna was born, my beautiful bump disappeared and was replaced with a sad looking squidgy tummy. Not only that, for the first time in my life I had boobs…but they weren’t nice. Thanks to breastfeeding, depending on the time of the day they were either engorged like a botched boob job or sagging like Spaniel ears (no offence to spaniels)
When Sienna was just three days old, I had a bath and burst into tears. Looking back, I now know this was probably largely down to hormones, as the third day after birth is apparently when your milk comes in and you go a bit more loopy than normal. But at the time I literally didn’t recognise myself.
Thankfully, Stu was on hand with the cuddles, which did help but even when my hormones got slightly more normal, I continued to struggle getting used to my post natal self.
And while on a superficial level my new body, wrinkles and weight were hard to deal with, what was more shocking was my mentality.
Okay, we all know I was to say the least, a bit scatty before Sienna was born. However, when you add sleep deprivation, hormones and just the general responsibility of keeping a human being alive, this scattiness reached a whole new level. Forgetting what I went up the stairs for, putting nappies in the wash bin, going to get my dinner realising the oven hadn’t even been switched on…I could continue.
Thankfully, nearly 12 months on, the scattiness is finally down to a more normal, just ditsy Ali, level. But I don’t think however many months pass I’ll be able to get back to the same way I used to reason things before Sienna.
As much as I love having the tastes of my old life, from going back to work to enjoying a run to even having a child free lunch, at the back of my mind I’m always thinking what about Sienna.
If I get an undisturbed nights sleep, I’ll still wake up and just stare at her on the monitor wondering if she’s okay and maybe something I’d wrong to make her sleep longer.
If I’m away from Sienna and see she’s having a good time, I’ll feel happy but then guilty that I’m not there.
Writing this, I know it’s all totally illogical and in the same way I shouldn’t feel bad about my body being different now I’m a mum, I shouldn’t feel guilty about enjoying things that aren’t anything to do with being a mum.
So, with this in mind I would like to say…
Thank you to my tummy for getting big enough to grow our beautiful daughter
Thank you to my boobs for feeding Sienna for an entire year and soothing her when she’s been sad
Thank you to my eyes for staying awake throughout the countless night feeds and LONG days
And most of all thank you to my amazing husband, mum and mother in law for all being the bestest support network giving me the freedom to have those tastes of my old life again.
alanaburnett 